So, it's been a while once again. However, I've lots of new news to share. One, I have a new banner made for me by a cyber friend. See? Top of this post...

Anyways, just had to share the good news.

Oh, I'm finally starting school again in the spring. It's been a rough couple of months with all the doctors and whatnot. I'm so glad it's almost over. I finished applying and filling out my FAFSA. Now, it's just a waiting game... Wait....

I'm also in the midst of writing two different pieces of literature. I'm hoping to have them done soon, but I'm a bit of a slacker. Yay me. However, when I'm done with them, I'll post them here for you to read.

So I guess that is all the news I have for now. Feedback would be great!

Dear Joker,

Hey joker, yeah you. Listen here, I’ve a word or two for you. It’s buried deep in my soul.

Hey joker, what is this life? Do you have a definition for me? Don’t toss me a dictionary, what are you thinking? Words of sequence and order, your mind is chaos and disorder. Rhyme and reason were never your strong points. Joker, joker, grant me a wish, will you? Master of unraveled yarn and insanity, grant me a precious wish. Define right and wrong. Give me something new, with a hint of old. Throw me something dangerous enough to send chills up and down my spine.

Hey joker, tell me a secret, tell me what your true desire is. Tell me dear joker, tell me. Is it buried deep in your soul? Or is it in your sick twisted old mind? Maybe in a new mind? Eyes twisted and hanging, they’re hanging on to the last shred of sanity they may have known. Maybe just maybe everything will be ok. What do you want dear joker?

Hey joker, want to tell me what I want? Where is my peace of mind among your forever going and crazy ideas? Is there room? Is there room for extremes? Is it love? Is it something more? A dog and a cat will fight like a hail storm. Do you see what I see? Feel what I feel? I’ve scars, you’ve scars. It hurts to smile dear joker, master of crazed laughter.

Hey joker, my mind is in pieces. Shattered. Thank you. All my logic has been proven wrong. Where do I go from here?

P.S. dear joker, I love this roller coaster ride. Is it new or old?

It's Been a While

It's been a while since my last post and I apologize. I've been moving once again and it seems that I just didn't seem to have the time for Nine Lives.

So in previous posts, I've gotten right to the point of how I'm feeling, but I'm not sure if they made sense to anyone? Give me some feedback, I'd love to hear your opinion.

The next thing I want to discuss... everything I have written here (unless said otherwise) is my own writing. I write about my encounters with life. The ups and downs of it. The middle-ground when things seem to mellow out. The everyday life. Or anything else that comes my way. :D

I'd also like to introduce myself, the name is Shay. Just Shay, no fancy last name or middle name. I'm twenty and I very rarely disclose my whereabouts. You're welcome to guess, but don't expect me to tell you if you're right or not. :)

Finally, I know the things I write about are a little on the ... gloomy side, I get alot of my inspiration when I'm sad or otherwise in a negative mood. This doesn't mean that I'm constantly moody. I'm usually quite happy, with a little help from my cats and music of course.

~gypsy

Mama

They are playing their cards and not paying any mind to those around them. Little ornaments all over the place like little keepsakes. You think this will make a difference? With the snow on the ground and the food in the oven, it doesn’t make any sense not be happy. What if she is dying though? What if we just can’t see it? What if this is the last moments with her? Will you regret not listening to me then? I’ve got questions with answers that aren’t liable. The answers are just thrown at me like tomatoes on a stage. The show must go on right? Maybe this cat sitting out front knows what is going on. She seems to noticed every movement made by us. She probably knows even more than we think. Amazing how these things work.

So, hop in the car and lets go for a drive. I promise not to kill you, and if I do, I apologize, but you know how these switchbacks are. Treacherous. I’ll twirl us around as if this beast is dancing with the side of the mountain. A dance of life, a dance of death. Which one will the mountain choose? This makes sense to all of us, I’m sure. Crystal clear right? Still following me? Good. Next paragraph.

The marble tile met up with more a stone sky up above. The pillars were strong and nothing was tearing this beauty down, except maybe from the inside out. Huge bags came out one by one. Each full to the brim. They slinked away into the night. A new moon with no curious eyes around. Street lamps were out and not a single car was taking a midnight stroll. Perfection? Maybe. Let’s get in the truck and go, just keep driving out of there. Keep driving out of the bible belt and hit the Mississippi. Lets keep going until we’re in Canada and Alaska is at the tip of our tongue. Here we go!

When You're 21

Where is my wolf? My strength and comfort? He’s lost in the world somewhere far away. What can I do besides just sit and wait out the storm? I’ve got these people chasing me around. One is eight-legged. The little/big thing chased me around until I couldn’t out-run it anymore. Beady black eyes and she’s back in the dog’s mouth. Hallucinogenic now? Maybe you’re right. Remember when I came crawling home on your door step cuz I just couldn’t see straight, thank you to the drugs. Thank you to the revenge she was seeking on me. Why’d I ever go back to all of that? Why’d I think it was worth it?

Now she wakes up started in a daze and it just seems all so real. Do you remember where you are? Do you remember who is laying next to you? Do you remember the handsome face that agreed to hold you when you’re scared and tell you everything is going to be alright? Maybe you have trust issues, but that’s ok, it happens to the best of us. Next year will be better. For who? When she was silently crying on the other side of the line, you knew right then that this was going to tear us apart. A huge black oak tree is now being chopped down piece by piece and there is nothing any of us can do about it. If it’s not one holiday, it’s another. The foundation is crumbling as he thinks he’s building it stronger. Her foundation has been rotting for years but never had the heart to tell. And mine, mine was/is holding on by a thread. Why can’t I dwell in the future? It doesn’t seem to hold good in it anymore.

Please don’t be angry, and please don’t be scared. Please oh please don’t come looking for me. I’m sorry it has to be this way, and I’m sorry I’ve runaway again. My life was so wrong and so in danger. Something was lurking behind every corner and I had no one there to protect me, no one to hold me at night to tell me everything was going to be ok. Look for the kittykat under the bed and in the shadows, you know she watches you so quietly. She loves this huge beautiful wolf that she can no longer talk to. Please don’t question. Trust and trust with everything you have. It’s for both of your good.

If you keep living in this life, where will you go? It’s wisdom that is coming in and you know it hurts. Did you think you’d ever live to see the day? Perhaps not, but you’ve proved yourself wrong. Let’s try for another trick. Let’s see how long you can hide and run from all these things that haunt you. With everything and everyone given up on you, you’ve ran out of options. They scream at you to get out. They point and wonder why you are so strange. Not completely understanding, they throw you around. Honesty doesn’t seem to buy this people.

A Sickly Gesture

Bring her down and laugh at her sick. Laugh at her and tell her she’s lying about the green in the toilet. Now sneak in and watch her bathe. Watch her in your sick mind. Tell her that she doesn’t have a choice and tell her that you want her and that you’ll do anything to get what you want. Tie her down in the tub and expect her to lie in the green and red. Mexico anyone? Laugh hysterically and just let it all cum out. Just let it pour, now imagine the spawn and what’ll do and look like. Not a child, spawn, that spawn will be gross and twisted. Makes you sick doesn’t it?

His fist is going to come around and knock you out, knock you down, you know how these angry drunks get. And an angry drunk he most definitely is. Well, forget that. You can hide and you can run, but you can’t escape and he’ll threaten and beat and when he is tired of that, he’ll plan his back up. His six five back up. Aren’t you just SOL. Can you control your mind without the drugs? Can you tell it no, and ask it to stop playing tricks on you? What can you do? Are you just a worthless whore? Well, god damn, you have a high self-esteem.

When you step out of the shower, you can’t even stand. You’re so wobbly and disoriented, you seem so unsure. You’re so sick and you know something is wrong with you. Tell me girl, what is it? Will the worm eat you up from the inside out? Can you eat and not feel like the world is crashing down on you? Probably not. Tell me when you have your funeral, I’m expecting a formal invitation, it should be a real treat, you filthy, dirty whore.


It’s disturbed and it’s inspiring this into you. The insanity grips you and tugs like the little cord that connects mother and baby. It’s controlling you. It’s stealing your will power. Keep letting it, and let it engulf you. Aren’t you just so beautiful sitting up on it’s pedestal? He’s going to go after you today, looking for you, haunting you. He wants you back, he wants to have you right in his reach. But you’ve run away from his jokes, from his lies. Will the beautiful girl in the tub every forgive you? Or does she even remember? Her memory has blocked it out, but unfortunate for you, it still lingers like a heavy fog in your mind. It clouds all other thoughts. Can you keep on living?

Or is this insanity creeping in and keeping hold. Staying and thriving. Something is growing deep in you. Deep in your soul, it’s beyond your mind now, and beyond the help of others. You’re living for something that no longer exists and no one is going to reach down to the bottom of your hole to pull you out.

The voodoo and the magic aren’t going to let go. Aren’t going to give up. It’s something that you’ll deal with. You’ll look it straight in the eye. Look closely at the mirror now. When his hands are plastered against that glass door, you scream but no one hears you. The blood from before is still on his hands and now the door is covered in it. Better break out the cleaning supplies. Will you listen? You’ve also the man with a bone. And then he went rolling home of course. But he never broke eye contact.

A Little Bit of Prison

Look at the sparkle in your own eye and tell me what you see. There is a sparkle of laughter. You knew it was funny, you knew it would hurt, but somehow you didn’t care. Now outside the window it’s raining and lids dark as night cover some kind of pent up anger. It’s not for you, but somehow you can’t say no. you’re addicted like a kid with candy. You can’t stop eating it. You can’t stop wanting it. Oh the crave you must feel. So when you tell me that everything is perfect in your little world, what do you really mean? what’s wrong. I can’t go everyday and believe it is ok when you’re faking this. When you’re laughing at insecurities that only you can see. They aren’t mine luv, they are all yours. I’ve ran and ran until my nightmares are running up hill, all out of breath. Now one will find me here except your cynical eyes. Some kind of mistrust. But I won’t question it, just as you don’t question my reasoning. Maybe you’re seeing right through the lie that never was there.

Adam and Eve shared a rib and they share it for eternity, an infinity. Can you just draw it in the dust with your foot and expect each other to become lost in it’s hypnotism? Adam kept her under his spell for years after that. It’s haunted her everyday since then. They demons and monsters she saw in those cages. How they wanted to touch her. They reached out through their cages just to brush against her clothes. But when he shoved her in and locked the door, she could no longer give them a choice. They made it for her. They tore like the zombies on movies, and laughed like clowns at a circus. Their pleasure couldn’t be anymore climaxed. She was their object and they were her puppet masters. Adam laughed from just out of reach. He laughed and danced and shrugged off her screams. These monsters were living in a cave and he controlled them. He controlled what they did and who they did it to. The walls were caked with rust and the floor was covered in their juices. In her juices. Juice is a thought that belongs with something sweet and edible. And that is exactly what they did with her. It was like peeling an orange to expose it’s deepest parts so the juice seeps… it seeped until the dead leaves on the ground were like towels after a steaming hot shower.

Now her mind hasn’t been quite the same since. He showed her the wonderful worlds of school and the chances she had. He filled her head with dreams. He made the time go by and he made the smoke become thick and rich. He gave her a compos and told her to follow it. Follow it north, follow it north on the earth. He sent her to her future when a little mosquito would get the best of her, to a glimpse of a free life far from then, to the past when her mind was being formed by this craft. Would he laugh at her now?

New page and new thoughts, cock your head and look at me sideways, does it make more sense now? Will you have the characteristics of Adam? Will you let it influence you that way? Don’t tell me everything is different when I see her running away every night like she always has. All these things are chasing her still and you’re part of that entourage. You twisted Illusionist. She’s met the Joker, the Demon, and the Illusionist. Not necessarily in that order. Lay it out in plain sight so the blood splattered on the windshield will just cake on and become a reoccurring memory. It’s infinity, just like you told her. It goes on and on forever. It’s cursed like a voodoo doll.

She ran away. Away from you and all your curses, but yet you follow her and enforce your fear upon her. That cold dark cell haunts her every night, but here in the sun, people don’t understand. They are people of the sun, people of love and harmony. Tell them about a crazed Illusionist and they think you’ve lost you’re mind. They could be right, maybe it’s just all in her head.